Searching for a Lifeline
by thewinchesterlifestyle
Summary: He could almost hear the mark whispering promises of him burning once more and how this time an angel wouldn't find him in time. Dean gritted his teeth and rubbed his hand over it. Everything inside him was screaming at him to hide it from everyone.


**Disclaimers**:_ If you recognize it then I don't own it._

**Pairing**: _Cas/Dean_

**Warning**:_ Spoilers for 9.11 episode_

* * *

He sat in the Impala and stared out the windshield but he wasn't seeing anything. The mark burned and Dean could already feel the hellfire crawling through his veins. Threatening to consume him once more and fear tried to choke him. This was the last thing he should have done and now Dean had no idea what to do about it.

He could almost hear the mark whispering promises of him burning once more and how this time an angel wouldn't find him in time. Dean gritted his teeth and rubbed his hand over it. Everything inside him was screaming at him to hide it from everyone. To conceal this new stain on his soul but another voice, far softer, urged him to seek help. And for once Dean finally gave in to the need to reach out.

_Cas…I screwed up. I screwed up everything. Man…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything but…fuck…I need you. I really need you right now because you understand. It's…it was Crowley and I let him in. Dammit Cas I made a deal with another devil and I'm a fucking hypocrite. I don't think there is any saving me this time…_

Dean took a deep breath and stared at the mark. Thought of another mark he'd rather have and shook his head. This was ridiculous. He kept fucking up and now he was probably going to get everyone else he cared about killed just like Kevin. It was all on him and why had Cas ever bothered hauling his ass out of the pit? Everyone would have been better off if he'd been left to rot down there where he belonged.

"Please come. Please." He swallowed and scrubbed a hand over his face. Suddenly he felt exhausted and sick. "I'm begging, Cas. I need…" he trailed off and shook his head. Dean glanced sideways to take in a sign and rattled off his location in a soft mumble. If Cas was at the bunker it would take him an hour to get there.

His phone vibrated and with a sigh he picked it up. There was a short message that had most of the tension in his body melting. It wasn't profound nor did it give him all the answers. But it did give him the one thing he needed most right now. A lifeline to cling to.

_I'm coming_.

With two words he was fighting these stupid tears of relief and a smile was threatening to tug at his lips. It was ridiculous but Castiel did something to him. Eased some kind of emptiness that he hadn't realized he'd possessed until the angel had walked through that stupid barn and stepped into his life. He couldn't call Sam about this situation. He wouldn't put that on him after what he'd done with Gadreel, but Castiel could help. His crazy angel would help him even though Dean kind of hoped Castiel kicked his ass for what he'd done. He deserved it just like he had in that alley years ago when he'd thought of saying _Yes_ to Michael.

Safe in the knowledge that Castiel was coming he climbed back into the Impala and stretched out on the seat to relax. Music played softly and his eyes slid shut as the exhaustion from before dragged him under into a restless sleep. It was the knock on the window that caught his attention and had him jerking up in the seat with a startled sound. A familiar face was outside the window and blue eyes stared at him with concern as Dean shifted to climb out.

But before Dean could say anything he was being pulled into an unexpected hug. It was tight and Castiel was warm against him. Dean's mouth dropped open in surprise and Castiel buried his face against him with a soft sigh. It was only seconds later that Dean found himself clinging tightly to the angel and trying not to shake apart at the seams. Of all the things in the world he hadn't realized how much he'd needed this. Another person, or in this case angel, close and holding onto him. He didn't realize he'd needed touch from someone that wasn't trying to kill him or manipulate him in some manner. And Castiel was offering him that without Dean trying to hug him. It was new and he didn't care what had brought it about.

"You're not alone." The words brushed against him and the hunter held on tighter with a shaky breath escaping. Dean closed his eyes and shoved all those horrible thoughts to the back of his mind. They were going to come up shortly and he just wanted to feel safe. Wanted to feel that warm and safe feeling he'd gotten whenever his mother had hugged him as a child. A small part of his mind was pointing out how Castiel gave him those same feelings but in a different way. He tried to ignore it but that thought had been popping into his head more frequently over the years. Trying to catch his attention.

Finally Castiel stepped back but kept a hand on Dean's shoulder. The hunter breathed in and out slowly until his eyes opened once more. "Cas…I screwed up." And he had already told the angel that but he needed to say it again. "I should have said something to you and Sammy but I was stupid and I just want everyone safe again. I don't want to bury anyone else." His eyes were tired and he felt like Atlas. The weight of the sky resting on his shoulders and Dean knew he couldn't hold it up forever. It was going to crush him into dust and take the world with it.

"We're both here for you. Whatever happened…everyone messes up." Castiel's face was calm and Dean could see the understanding in blue eyes. He was both grateful and irritated that he knew Castiel meant those words. "Sam and myself both know from past experiences." A rueful smile crossed his face after those words.

But instead of telling Castiel what was wrong Dean blurted something else out. "What was with the hug?" his eyes widened when he realized what he'd said out loud and Dean's features flushed slightly before he looked at Castiel's face.

"Sam explained to me the part when you're supposed to hug back. And I was happy to see you again." His hands shifted and went into the pockets of the wrong trench coat. It was close but it wasn't the one that Dean had kept safe in the Impala's trunk. The same one that Dean was so used to seeing on his angel. It would almost be better if Castiel had stuck with different outfits than the trench coat that wasn't _the_ trench coat.

"Oh." He nodded absentmindedly and wondered what had caused that conversation while he was gone. "I…Crowley showed up when I was at a bar. I was trying to find Gadreel's original vessel…and to get drunk." He admitted the last bit with a self-deprecating laugh that sounded wrong. "He had a way to kill a Knight of Hell and Abaddon needs to be killed. So I went with him and long story short we tracked down Cain."

He could see the horror on Castiel's face and swallowed. "Dean…you didn't talk to him, right? You left. Please tell me you left." But Dean could tell that Castiel already knew the answer. Could see the worry and resignation in the angel's face.

"I-" he cut himself off and slowly rolled up his sleeve to bare the Mark of Cain to his angel. "I don't know what to do, Cas. I fucked up." He admitted and watched as Castiel reached out to touch the mark with hesitant fingers. Warmth flared through his arm and burned harshly at the touch of something holy. "Crowley…he used me." it had taken everything for him to admit it but the words fell out.

Blue eyes locked with his own green and Dean stared in desperation. A hand grabbed onto the front of his shirt but instead of Castiel punching him like he wanted the angel jerked him in close. Warm lips crashed against his and Dean gasped out at the contact. He could almost taste the emotions rolling off of Castiel and dug his hands into the angel's too wrong coat to pull him even closer. It was rough and desperate and full of too many things they didn't have words for.

When they broke apart Dean was panting harshly and his lips were kiss swollen. Castiel didn't release his hold and swallowed. "You foolish human. Do you want to die? Do you want to go back to Hell?" the words were filled with panic, "Do you Winchesters have to keep rushing into danger? No matter what I do or how I try to help you keep trying to die. Why do you want to die, Dean? The world needs you and there are so many who care about you." Castiel's eyes burned and Dean could almost see grace flashing in them. "If I have to I will haul you out again." The words were growled out.

Dean opened his mouth to protest and snapped his mouth shut. A hand scrubbed down his face and he started moving restlessly. "I just want everyone safe. I'm…fuck Cas I'm _broken_. I break everything I touch! Look at the damage I've done!" his voice raised with emotion and Castiel could see it twisting in his bright soul. Now that he was aware of the Mark he could see it there as well. The opposite side of the mark he'd left on Dean's soul and he wanted to rip it out. To burn it out of existence.

"Dean! You are worth it. You are worth the love those closest to you feel for you. You're worth fighting for and dying for. You're _not_ worthless and you need to fight. Stop doing things on your own. We have all seen what happens when one of us goes off on our own. You're not alone and even though you have that Mark you're still not alone." Dean's shoulders slumped at the words and he leaned against the Impala. The words were warm and he relaxed. Let himself take some comfort in them even if he questioned how he could possibly be worth any of that. A hand rested above where Castiel's mark used to show on his skin and Dean looked up. "You are no alone." Then Castiel was hugging Dean again. Hugging him close as though he could keep everything trying to destroy Dean Winchester away.


End file.
